Dating: Proceed with Confidence

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Ladies, ladies, ladies. I need to have a serious talk with all of you beauties on a lost art form I’d like to call “playing the field.”

Now if you frequent The Rose you’ll know I was horribly ugly once and a super late bloomer. But once I got bangs and started wearing mascara I went from boyfriend A to boyfriend F for the next 6 to 8 semesters. My last serious boyfriend and I broke up almost a year ago, lets call him…. Schmilly.

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Schmilly and I had fun until we didnt’t and once we broke up I realized I’d pretty much had a boyfriend since I was 18. There were gaps here and there for a few months when I’d collect myself back together and start really enjoying myself as I was and then bingo bango I’d find a boyfriend again. Which brings me to:

Tip #1 of Megan’s-pretend-dating-advice-that-has-been-successful-thus-far-in-guaranteeing-my-journey-towards-undoubtably-dying-alone:

Stop looking for a boyfriend.

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When’s the last time you found yourself getting some unexpected attention? My professional guess (remember I’m a PHD in Psychology and Lying) is that it was probably on some random Wednesday when you were out with your friends just genuinely enjoying yourself. It’s the times when we’re the most carefree that we get the most attention. Why wouldn’t someone want to approach you with your stunning smile and perfect mane of hair and look on your face that says “hey! I don’t give a hoot!”

We’ve forgotten to make *dAtInG* about us having fun because we’re so fixated on what the other person is doing and why he doesn’t like us.

First off, if he doesn’t like you…. ew. Next, moving on. We have a habit of getting ourselves into these crap situations because we want these sexy man candies to like us so badly that we forget that they have no redeeming qualities.

If you ask yourself “why do I like him so much?” and the only thing you can think of is “but he’s so hot” – the answer is you like him because he doesn’t like you. I’ll admit being guilty of this. There’s nothing quite like the rush of winning someone over, but it works about as often as a notch above never.

Playing the Field

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It’s time to start dating like men, bitches. And I say this, because those glorious little bastards have the right idea. You spend a little bit of time with a [few] people until you actually find one you want to spend more time with. Ain’t nothing wrong with having a little rotation as long as you’re keeping your pants to yourself.

I was recently talking to one of my friends lets call him “Some Big Idiot” about the differences between girls’ and guys’ opinions on dating, and I realized that guys are much better at sticking to their word. We all start out pretending we don’t want to be in a relationship either but when a guy says it – he means it. And unless you’re Giniffer Goodwin in He’s Just Not That Into You – then he’s going to stick to it even if you have good naked chemistry. Whereas we forget instantly and show up at his house unannounced with a boombox over our heads playing Hit Me Baby One More Time.

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When I did that to Schmilly he ate it up but I was his exception at the time.

I digress, but I think a lot of us are missing the point! Dating is supposed to be fun and it’s supposed to be about what YOU want and what YOU like. We’re going to be mothers one day and our lives are going to be over so stop wasting your free years thinking about why some guy who’s middle name you don’t even know didn’t text you before noon today.

Play the field, say yes to drinks, and do what makes you happy.

With this in mind there are some things you must know:

  1. He’s dating other people. Just because he took you out once and you had a great date doesn’t mean he’s going to have a ring for you the next time you see him. Expect that he’s seeing other people and don’t dwell on it because so are you (get it girl)
  2. You set your own ground rules for casual dating. I know a guy who won’t date a girl who eats meat lovers pizza. That’s just his rule. For me, if there’s no menu involved, there’s no me ‘n u involved (see what I did there) That’s just my style – some mens may disagree with it, but I say if you can’t put the effort in to buy me a $10 cocktail before I let you kiss me on the mouth then you don’t deserve it. It’s very minimal effort, I don’t think I’m asking a lot.
  3. Jealousy isn’t allowed until you’ve had a conversation about being mutually exclusive (and I mean a real conversation not one you had in your head. Not that that happens because it totally doesn’t)
  4. Say things like “but I’m not a doctor” “classic mix up” “le duh” and “boring”

Above all else, remember that people are just people and we all do unfavorable things to each other. Sometimes we text people we don’t like because we need some extra attention that day. Sometimes people do that to us. It doesn’t make us bad. We’re all just navigating our way through life one dick move at a time.

When Schmilly and I broke up I felt that all my past relationships had been failures, until I realized that they’re supposed to be failures until the one that’s not. That’s why they call it “the one” it’s the only one that works.

Until that fateful day, play on players. Play on.

xoxo #CanIhaveYourNumber

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